Confidence _ Where art thou?
It is often that women are misconstrued when questioned about the very thing that attracts them to the opposite sex.
Appeal it seems has been misrepresented to mean good looking, wealthy and easily manipulative. Whilst none of us can argue that physical attraction plays an important role in being able to envision ourselves in a ’relationship’ with the person, it does stray from conveying that ultimately, attraction does not simply boil down to the physical aspect of things.For one, I personally cannot see anything ’sexy’ about (vampire) Robert Patterson. Fair enough, some (millions) may find the whole ’Grungy, just out of bed, I-did-not (really)-shower-for-days’ look extremely sexy but I prefer giving that one a pass. Which goes to show, not everyone shares the same taste. How unexciting would the relationship world be if that were the case?
Nonetheless I have managed to come across ONE lone man who somewhat fits the long and perplexed list I have mentally drawn up.
If there ever were a man with whom I would be willing to say ’till death do us part’ and honestly mean it, this would be the sort of guy I’d be relaying that vow too. Mind you, his physical appearance does not appeal to me as much as his personality does. (Drum roll please)The name alone makes my belly tingle.
Harvey Spector. There. I said it.
There’s a man who’s sexy without looking it. He is confident, assertive, knows his capabilities and is articulate in conveying himself. He exudes charisma and style. He’s straight forward in conveying his feeling, isn’t shy to admit when his wrong and has varying degree’s of self respect. Whilst he doesn’t portray himself as a self pitying loathsome man, he is not afraid to uncover his hardened exterior to those close to him.
If it were not for ONE thing I (who runneth after no man) would have thrown myself in his path and forced him to make me his:
1. The fact that ’Harvey Spector’ is a fictional character
An awful demise to a blossoming love story. Lucky for me, every time I feel like I’m falling out of love, I can always press rewind and start all over again, from Season One.
Not everyone is that fortunate.
Lack of self-esteem (not all, some) proves a downside for many reasons.
Whilst I’ve heard men talk of the much admired ’x-factor’ in a woman, I have never heard a single woman discuss the same thing about a man.
’He’s the one!’ ’How did you know?’ ’i just did.’ And then a year down the line
I find out she’s divorced. ’Why?’ I persisted in asking. ’I couldn’t handle his insecure nature.’ I nod in understanding.
As much as low-self esteem may be an underlying cause for many an ill-fated relationships (both, in the case of males and females) it cannot simply be pinned down to this reason solely.
The thing about self confidence is that it is different for each one of us. Some may find their career enhances their self image whilst for others, people’s perception of them are all the aphrodisiac they need. These are 2 examples amongst many but despite, they’re both short-lived. The moment we lose one the other disappears alongside.
Self confidence is dependent solely on you. Personally, there is never just one thing that does it for me. Sometimes it’s a dash of bold red lipstick at others my good old faithful all stars (even when unwashed) can lift my spirits up to defiant levels. The trick, like studying, is finding out what works for you.
However, in order to give you some sort of starting point I’ve compiled a list of 10 confidence boosting tips. None of which are fail proof (so don’t expect miracles over night) but all of which are contributing factors towards enhancing you.
1. CHOOSE FRIENDS OF WORTH
This list is not numbered in category of importance. I’ve sporadically placed the tips as they’ve come to mind. However, if I were to decide on ONE TIP to which I would place utmost emphasis on, this would be it.
When we’re young we choose our friends on a ‘whoever I sit next to’ basis. We share our lunches, have casual chatter and arrange weekend play dates. When we’re older the person sitting next to us isn’t ordinarily our first choice for a long term commitment.
Our desire for more meaningful relationships makes us somewhat picky in our decisions and though some of us may have a wider network than others the people we hold close to our hearts are limited in terms of quality. It is these same friends that will assist in enhancing your positive self image but be weary; there is a difference in honesty and undeserved praise. Find the friends that will not hesitate in telling you the truth but in such a manner that is neither obtrusive nor demeaning.
Find friends that will lift you up when your spirits are down for those are the friends that will boost your morale whenever neccersary and humble you when arrogance has taken over.
2. STOP READING EVERYONES STATUS UPDATES
Experience has taught me that not everyone leads the life their status’s claim. Constantly keeping tabs on status’s via social networks is only going to make you feel more inferior. Yes, you may not have the boyfriend that proclaims his undying love for you via facebook or the privileged lifestyle that see’s you travelling to exotic destinations around the world BUT that doesn’t make you any less of a person.
People constantly say ‘live in the moment’ but it is only when you start doing just that, that you understand the magnanimity of it.
3. MAINTAIN A POSITIVE SELF IMAGE
Dr Seus said it best:
‘ Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.’
Each of us have certain things we wish we could change about ourselves but the moment we accept that these are the things that make us who we are is the moment we allow ourselves to let be.
So what if your skin isn’t light enough?
So what if your hair isn’t straight enough?
So what if you aren’t thin enough?
Stop focusing on the things that cannot simply be changed and start focusing on the one’s that can.
4. MAINTAIN A POSITIVE MINDSET
Perhaps, at this point, you may be admonishing me. ‘Easy for HER to say, what does she know’ right?
The truth is, we all have our own blemishes. The sufferings we face are not always identical to the person sitting next to us but that doesn’t make it any less painful to endure.
Maintaining a positive outlook is freaken hard. Making the decision to see every situation that is our life takes courage but a simple shift in mindset can make all the difference.
5. BE THE CHANGE
Ghandijee knew exactly what he was talking about here.
There is no denying, sometimes we ARE in the wrong. Maintain a positive outlook but if there is a flaw within you that CAN and SHOULD be rectified don’t overlook it. Some mistake a positive self image with accepting yourself as nothing less than perfect. This is not true.
None of us are.
Be yourself yes, but become a better person in the process.
6. REALIZE YOUR LIMITS
It’s one thing being confident, it’s another being unrealistic. The sky is the limit, I get that but separate the real from your ideal. Set goals that are attainable.
After I turned 18 birthdays became a tearful affair. I dreaded them as much as I did weddings. For one simple reason, I set unrealistic goals. I made promises to myself that were unattainable at the time and every year whenever my birthday neared I’d find myself in a horrible place.
On my 22nd birthday I promised myself – NO MORE!! I would NOT allow myself to be tortured this way. The wounds I struggled with were self inflicted and I had control over them.
Now, whilst others are setting unrealistic resolution post New Year I endeavour to better myself as a person wherever the need arises. My friends are regular reminders of all that I have withstood and all that I have achieved and for me this is sufficient.
Set goals yes, but make sure they are attainable.
(Dream big, don’t allow anyone to take that away from you. Ever).
7. KEEP BOREDOM AT BAY
For your emotional, physical, spiritual and mental well being – be busy. You’ll have no time to dwell on what other people are saying about you and frankly, who gives a damn anyways.
This doesn’t mean you should be a socially termed workaholic; make time for people and things that matter. Not for those that want nothing more but to see you wallow in your misery.
Decide who and what deserves your time. That simple.
8. UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CONFIDENCE AND ARROGANCE.
At times we often mix up the two. Nothing is more off-putting than an arrogant but handsome man (or woman). I’m not sure if many women would agree with me in saying this but I’d choose an average looking guy over an air headed ‘hot’ one any day.
You’re good looking, successful, wealthy and perhaps intelligent. You know it and we know it. We get that. But just like Zuma’s spear, it is better concealed than left for public viewing. Let the world know that you’re not simply a ‘dick’ head and the world won’t treat you like one.
9. CHALLENGE YOURSELF
Constantly. There is NOTHING wrong in being happy with where you are but eventually, routine is going to set in and you’re going to get bored (or be termed as boring). Whichever, put some pace in it. Don’t let your pulse live without knowing the thrill of something different.
And if anything, overcoming challenges that have been placed in your way will only enhance your self-esteem. Where’s the harm in that?
10. CELEBRATE YOU
Every once in awhile pat yourself on the back. There is not always going to be people that are happy for you and you have to learn to live with that. Sometimes people are so occupied in their own lives that they don’t necessarily have the time to celebrate your achievements.
Other people’s opinions aren’t the deciding factor for every aspect of our lives and there is nothing wrong with that.
On your own – celebrate you.